


what if the way we started made it something cursed from the start

by GraceBlackthorn



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Assassination Attempt(s), Bisexual Male Character, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, OT3, Secret Relationship, alina's just sad that mal's dead, also ivanling friends to lovers, and a decent amount of ivanlina and ivanling, and there's some pretty crazy misuse of merzost, anti mal, anyone's guess why that is, but not how you think she would, dead mal, discussion of suicidal ideations, ivan and alina and the darkling are the unholy trinity, ivanling established relationship, jealous alina, kind of, nothing graphic, possibly other tags to be added, she gets the firebird relatively early in the story, there's a lot of alarkling, this is an ot3 fic!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18748603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraceBlackthorn/pseuds/GraceBlackthorn
Summary: The Unholy Trinity. A Heartrender with more of a conscious than he thinks he has, an ancient creature known to some as the Black Heretic and a girl who just wants her world to stop burning. They share a bond, forged in blood, bone and magic. When Alina wakes up from her merzost induced coma she is greeted not by her friends and Mal but by the black and red cuffs of a Corporalki heartrender.Post Seige and Storm rewrite takes place two months after the last page of Siege and Storm.a reworked "shes a goddess, you should've saw this" now compliant with ao3's guidelines. Contains M/M, M/F and M/M/F scenesSnippet:“Eternity is a long time to hate someone,” he sat down in one of the armchairs in her sitting room. She was curled up by the fire, it was thundering and lightning out and she could only think of her friends. Her dead friends.“Eternity is a long time to grieve,” She said more evenly.“This otkazat’sya is not worthy of your grief. He was going to ensure you never got your eternity.”“Enduring eternity with you is my worst nightmare.”





	1. even though i should of known it was a bad idea to love you

Alina woke up for the first time in what felt like forever. She’d almost thought she’d died she remembered the chapel, the way the world seemed to bend under the weight of the nichevo’ya. 

 

She remembered with a jolt that she’d almost died, which was probably why she felt like she’d been run over by the Darkling’s coach. She rolled over in bed and searched her mind. 

 

Visions of Ivan, his bear claw amplifier hovering over her watching guard and the Darkling sleeping in her bed, healers in their red and grey ….. _ wait _ … that wasn’t a vision, that was a memory. 

 

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and rang the bell for a servant. She was surprised that there wasn’t a healer in the room with her. 

 

Moments passed and she realized she’s in a comfortable nightgown. Someone must’ve changed her. She saw someone in red open the door, she hoped it would be a healer… But his cuffs were black not grey. 

 

“ _ Moya tsarista _ ,” Ivan’s eyes search her face but don’t seem to find anything worth remarking on, “the healers said you would be up today.” 

 

“Where’s the Darkling? Is he dead?” Alina said weakly. Her voice was creaky from disuse. 

 

An unreadable expression passed over Ivan’s features. “No, he’s not dead.” 

 

She felt a pang of sorrow run through her, she’d been unconscious for days? Weeks? Months? And it had all been for nothing. “Where’s Mal?” 

 

“Dead.” Ivan said flatly, the corners of his mouth curving into a cruel smirk.  

 

“What… _ What _ ?” Alina whimpered. How could this be happening? He’d been on his way to safety, he’d been going into some cave in the chapel! 

 

Ivan looked like he was delivering the best news in the world, the sick, arrogant bastard. 

 

“H-how?” She said in a trembling voice. Her mind was attempting to go a thousand miles an hour. Unfortunately she was still feeling woozy and it was hard to form coherent thoughts. 

 

“The Darkling killed him. He killed them all. No one but you and the Darkling made it out of the church alive.” 

 

Tamar… Zoya…  _ Genya _ … David… Tolya.

 

**Gone** . 

 

Alina whimpered shakily, she couldn’t even get out of bed she was so weak. 

 

“I’m going to go get the Darkling,” Ivan said, turning away from her. 

 

She was too weak to stop him. In fact she promptly leaned over the side of the bed and got sick on Ivan’s boots. Her stomach felt empty and achy. She’d probably been surviving on grisha nutrition potions and she lost weight so easily… 

 

“I’ll have someone bring you tea and food. You should rest,” Ivan said brusquely. He waved his hand and a swath of shadows covered the mess and it vanished. 

 

Alina gasped.  _ No, no! _ This was all wrong. Ivan was supposed to be dead, and unless she was very mistaken he’d just used the Darkling’s merzost. 

 

If she could’ve ended his life right then and there she would have.

 

“You have.. his power?” Alina said faintly. 

 

“I have a lot of things,  _ Sankta. _ ” 

 

She didn’t know what to say to that. She hated every grisha that had sided with the darkling, she hated herself for being weak and not being able to kill the greatest threat to Ravka in history. 

 

Ivan left without another word and Alina looked up at the ceiling, her head swimming. Mal was  _ dead _ . She started to sob softly into her pillow. Oh, how miserable life was, and she was bound to feeling so lost and lonely. The Darkling would never consider her and equal, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be. 

 

“ _ Solnishka _ ?” 

 

Alina sniffled, “I’m not your little sun!” But even to her own ears her voice sounded broken and small. 

 

The Darkling looked a lot better than he had in the chapel, he looked like he’d regained some weight and as always was elegantly put together, “You were out a long time,” he stood at the foot of her bed. 

 

Alina curled in on herself, this was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, “How long?” 

 

“Two months, it was touch and go for the first few weeks,” he said it with clinical indifference, as if it was a minor inconvenience that she had almost died. 

 

“I don’t want to be here, you killed my friends, you tortured me, you enslaved me!” She tried to put her heart into sounding venomous but it came out squeaky and broken. 

 

“I did it for the good of Ravka.” His voice was cool, and deadly calm, although a muscle in his jaw feathered when I looked closer and it seemed to costing him something to not show his emotion. 

 

“Why did you kill Mal?” Alina pleaded there had to be a reason. 

 

“Because, he tried to haul your half dead body off to Saints knows where. I knew you’d die if you didn’t get help from a grisha healer. Is he worth your life?” 

 

“He would never do that,” Alina said softly.  

 

“ _ Well he did _ ,” the Darkling replied, finally showing a hint of emotion. His tone was venomous.  

 

Alina began sobbing again. All her friends were dead, everyone she had ever loved was dead. What was going to happen next? Were the Saints going to fall out of the sky? Would Ravka be consumed by the Fold? Her mind was running amok with possible catastrophies and she just wanted to hold Mal again. To feel his warm skin against her hand, hear him say that she was his nation. She would burn down the world to dig him out of the ashes. 

 

But she was getting the distinct feeling that Mal wouldn’t do the same for her. He’d been so afraid of her power, her need for the amplifiers. How could he not love  _ everything  _ about her? She couldn’t bring back the sickly girl she’d been (although her current state was pretty close) and she didn’t want to think of Mal as a killer. Someone who would rather have her dead than alive and powerful. 

 

Was there even any truth to what the Darkling said? He had so many reasons to lie to her. 

 

She hadn’t realized it but as she’d cried she’d been pulled into his arms. When she realized she pushed away, “Just get out, get out! GET OUT!” She sobbed her grief giving her the strength to shout. 

 

“I’ve never turned away from you Alina.” 

 

“I’m asking you to just..” A hopeless sob wracked her body, “Please, I’m begging you.” 

 

The Darkling left. 

 

*~*~*

 

The next day dawned bright and early. She had just finished dressing (with help from a healer) and was sitting down to breakfast. 

 

She was exhausted, she’d spent most of the night crying and tossing turning. When she finally did sleep she dreamed of Mal’s body burning in the church. She thought of Genya’s beautiful hair singed and her and David saying their first and last ‘I love you’s” she felt like a toy that had been broken and belonged in the trash. 

 

The door to her room opened and her shoulders sagged. “It would be nice if you knocked,” she said not knowing who it was. 

 

“I don’t knock,” Ivan replied. 

 

Alina gave a sigh, “Don’t you have someone’s heart to crush?” She turned her head to look at him. He was tall, not as tall as the Darkling but close. He had piercing hazel eyes and sharp cheekbones and a strong jawline. 

 

She  _ loathed _ him. 

 

Ivan quirked a brow, “No, unless you want your heart crushed by my good looks?” he deadpanned. 

 

Alina shook her head, of course he had to be a fucking pig. She had to listen to her least favorite person in the whole world at such an early hour and while she was grieving. She’d managed to stop crying long enough to have some tea. 

 

“Did you bury Mal?” Alina asked carefully.

 

“No, the Darkling killed him and burned the church with the bodies still inside, and in case you’re wondering, the tunnels collapsed.” 

 

She felt a dark ache in her chest. With shaking fingers she tried to sip her tea, and only managed to slosh it down the black kefta and burn her tongue. 

 

“Alina, you have to realize that Mal would have rather had you dead and to himself than let you live and be with the Darkling. Is that what you wanted? To be dead?” Ivan asked. 

 

Alina took a cloth napkin and started mopping up the tea on her kefta, “I would rather be with Mal, yes.” She wanted to ask him about his new power but this didn’t seem like the right time. 

 

Ivan nodded. “You are Ravka’s saving grace, you need to recognize your place.” He stepped up to the chair she was sitting in. 

 

“I don’t care about Ravka, I don’t care about the Darkling. I care about my  _ friends _ . Who are all dead now thanks to you.” Her tone was hard, but she felt herself breaking from inside. 

 

Ivan sighed. He pulled up a chair. “You’re going to be seeing a lot of me, the Darkling has made me your personal guard.” There was something deeply wrong about that. Mal was her personal guard, not this creepy heartrender. She hated him, and as far as she knew, he hated her too. 

 

“I don’t need a guard any more than you do.” 

 

“You were just in coma for two months. You cannot so much as summon a sunbeam. What would you do if there was an attack?” 

 

She narrowed her eyes, “You mean what would I do if someone came to save me? I would leave and never turn back.” 

 

Ivan looked nonplussed, “Believe it or not a lot has happened since you surrendered to the Darkling. And  _ sobachka _ is not the only one who might come to call. The Fjerdans have declared war.” 

 

She took a shaky breath, “I cannot have this conversation right now.” But she was shaking,  _ war, _ real war not just border skirmishes… so many would die. 

 

“That’s fine,” Ivan shrugged, and her eyes caught his broad shoulders. He stood up and made for the door, “By the way, you need to eat that whole tray of food. You’ve been surviving on the healer’s nutrition potions for two months and you’ve lost a lot of weight.” 

 

Alina shook her head, “I’m not hungry.” 

 

“I’ll send a healer in, they’ll give you a potion to make you hungry.” 

 

Alina grumbled. 

 

A few moments later a healer walked in, she was youngish and she uncorked a bottle, it was blue and tasted like sugar. She swallowed it down and slowly felt her hunger returning. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

The Darkling visited that night, and she wasn’t sure what to say to him. He was a murderer. 

 

“I don’t want to see you.” Alina snarled at the Darkling. 

 

“Eternity is a long time to hate someone,” he sat down in one of the armchairs in her sitting room. She was curled up by the fire, it was thundering and lightning out and she could only think of her friends. My  _ dead _ friends. 

 

“Eternity is a long time to grieve,” She said more evenly. 

 

“This  _ otkazat’sya _ is not worthy of your grief. He was going to ensure you never got your eternity.” 

 

“Enduring eternity with you is  _ my worst nightmare. _ ”

 

The Darkling sighed tiredly, “You will come to understand that loss is part of eternal life.” 

 

“You’re missing the point!” Her voice rising, “I don’t want eternity, I want to be with Mal! I want-” But what did she want? She wanted Mal but not Mal as he had been, not the Mal that was afraid of her powers and afraid of her. Not the Mal that thought she outshined him. And she didn’t want to sickly and tired and too thin anymore either. 

 

“Alina, I think you should ponder what it is the tracker would’ve given you. If you had married him, would he have been faithful? If you had children with him, they almost certainly would’ve been grisha, and I think we both know he would’ve resented them. Not to mention, if he didn’t die by my hand, then the hand of time would have certainly erased him from history.” 

 

She was crying because he was right. Mal loved the orphan she had been, but not the grisha she had become. A part of her didn’t care. She still loved him. 

 

The Darkling was suddenly crouching in front of her, and he was wiping away her tears, “I've seen what you truly are, and I've never turned away. I never will. Could he say the same?”

 

She wanted to say that no, Mal had never turned away, but…  _ he had _ . She settled for a half-truth, “He loved me, he didn’t want to see me become like  _ you _ .” 

 

The Darkling rolled his shoulders and stood, “I do not appreciate it when you lie to me, Alina.” 

 

Then he left. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

The Darkling was exhausted. Which was why when he laid down to go to sleep that night he just about cut Ivan in half out of shock.

 

“It’s not your night to be here.” The Darkling said stiffly. 

 

“I missed you.”

 

The Darkling huffed, he could count the number of times someone had said they missed him on one hand. “It’s cold.” 

 

“You wouldn’t be cold if you were wearing anything."

 

A faint pink tinge colors Aleksander’s cheeks and he extinguishes the candles. He was amused that Ivan had the nerve to be here out of the blue. 

 

Ivan removed his clothes and settle into bed with the Darkling. The Darkling settled his cheek on Ivan’s bare chest and inhaled his scent. Ivan smelled like a cool breeze on a fall day, clean and crisp. 

 

The Darkling would know, he gave that cologne to Ivan himself. 

 

“Do you think she hates me?” The Darkling asked. 

 

“You know she doesn’t, she’s grieving.” 

 

The Darkling trusted Ivan’s judgment, “She was so broken in that church, and seeing her cry over that lowly  _ otkazat’sya _ who would’ve killed her… it was too much.” 

 

Ivan brushed his fingers through The Darkling’s hair. 

 

“I think she’ll come around.” 

 

*~*~*~*

 

Alina wasn’t coming around til the Darkling or Ivan as the Darkling had expected. She locked herself in her room for two weeks. Of course, the Darkling had a key and he checked on her at night when she was sleeping but he let her grieve. He owed her that much. 

 

Ivan was posted outside her door and the Darkling gave strict orders that if she emerged she was to be brought directly to him. 

 

On the fifteenth day Alina appeared in front of the Darkling, brought by the oprichniki. Her eyes were puffy and red rimmed, she looked, if possible, even thinner than she was when she’d woken up. She looked like that filthy otkazat’sya was trying to murder her from hell. 

 

He wasn’t sure what to say, he’d been so worried.

 

“You should probably say something before I lock myself away again.” 

 

“You will not lock yourself away. I’ve been patient, I knew you needed to grieve and I gave you space.” 

 

“You came into my room while I was sleeping, don’t you think that’s a little creepy?” 

 

“It was a necessary precaution.” 

 

“A necessary precaution my-“ 

 

“Alina, please, go eat something, I know you’ve been turning away your meals.” 

 

“I’m not hungry when I don’t summon,” Alina sighed. 

 

“I’ll make sure you get something from the healers for that. I want you to take care of yourself.” 

 

She averted her eyes, “Of course.” 

 

“Are you ok?” He asked softly. 

 

“W-What?” She stammered. 

 

“I’m asking how you’re feeling?” 

 

“I’m exhausted, I’m in enemy territory and I haven’t had a decent meal in two and a half months, but I’m  _ fine _ .” 

 

The Darkling stood, and she saw he wasn’t wearing a shirt under his kefta. “I have a search party looking for the Firebird, you’ll be whole again soon, I promise.” 

 

She rolled her shoulders and walked out.

 

*~*~*~*

 

A week later, Ivan opened her door at seven in the morning like he always did. She was so, so exhausted from staying up and crying. There was something bone-deep about her fatigue though. She knew it was at least in part from not being able to summon.  

 

“Good morning,” Ivan said brusquely. 

 

Alina pulled a pillow over her head. 

 

“Alina, you need to get it together. I’m not a babysitter so if you’re going to act like you’re a toddler than we need to get you set up at grisha preschool,” Ivan said venomously. 

 

She pulled the pillow off her head and gave him a rude hand gesture. 

 

He plowed on with the news of the day as if she hadn’t done anything though, “I’m afraid that I’ve spoken to the healers and you won’t recover until you have the third amplifier.” Ivan said.

 

“What do you mean?” She said groggily

 

“You damaged your powers when you tried to kill the Darkling. It’s not even supposed to be possible but you seem to have a knack for idiocy.” 

 

Ivan rang the bell for a servant. 

 

“I’m going to throw the covers off you in three… two…”

 

Alina ripped off the sheets and tried to snarl at Ivan but it came out a groan.

 

“Let me get dressed without your blessed presence.”

 

“My presence is blessed? Why thank you Sankta.” 

 

She shoved him bodily from the room and began getting ready for the day. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

Around lunchtime the Darkling walked into her sitting room without knocking through a connecting side door.

 

“Do you ever knock? Have you heard of privacy?” Alina snapped. 

 

“I’m… concerned that your ability was damaged.” He said with preamble.

 

She was shocked. The Darkling was never concerned about anything. “Well maybe if you hadn’t waged a civil war-“

 

“I waged the war you required me to,” he said too patiently. 

 

“I require  _ nothing _ from you, Darkling.”

 

He looked nonplussed, “Do you remember the nights I came to you?” 

 

“Vividly.” 

 

He came closer, and she wondered what he was trying to accomplish, “I slept in your bed, I could’ve kissed you.”

 

She sighed, “ _ Wanting makes us weak _ . Isn’t that what you told me that night at the fete?”

 

“You mean the night I almost-“

 

“Enough!” She shook her head and unexpectedly a wave a of grief consumed her. She wished desperately that she had been able to give Mal her first time. She wanted so many firsts with Mal but she could never have them now. It made the knot in her chest constrict terribly. 

 

“I will nurse you back to health, and you will be whole again, Alina.” He was hovering above her now and he was close enough to feel his body heat. 

 

Alina didn’t want to hear his voice, didn’t want to feel the warmth radiating off his body, because that was far too human for the monster she knew. He leaned in and tried to kiss her hair but she wrapped her fingers around his throat weakly.

 

His eyes are fathomless as she spoke, “I hate you, I will never serve you and I do not want Ivan creeping around. If you ever gave a Saints forsaken  _ fuck _ about me then you would understand that being in your presence is like trying to swallow poison.” She burned with hatred for him. How did they do this dance? She was so exhausted and she just wanted to stop fighting and have him leave her alone.

 

He gently brushed her hand away from his throat, “I know you’re grieving Alina.” 

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You’re falling apart at the seams and I might be King of Ravka and the Black Heretic but I cannot bring Mal back.” 

 

Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes, she felt the burn of them in her throat, in her lungs. “He didn’t want me dead, you’re lying.”

 

“I have so many things I could lie to you about Alina, and I have lied to you about some things, but this is not one of them.” 

 

“You always hated him and now he’s dead, isn’t that a bit convenient?” 

 

The tears cascaded down her cheeks and she tried to pull away from him but he holds her to his warm, lean frame. 

 

“He turned away from your light, my Alina. He turned away and he tried to take you from this world and I gave him a quick, clean death. He never suffered and I regret every day not drawing it out.” 

 

_ You’re an abomination _ . Alina wanted to say, but it came off as a soft sob and she clung to him. How could she let him touch her? He was everything wrong with Ravka, everything wrong with her life.

 

“He didn’t want me dead, he just didn’t want you to have me, and I can’t blame him.” 

 

“ _ Alina _ . You don’t seem to be connecting the dots. Mal was dragging you into the tunnels underground where there were no healers, no food, no water. You would’ve been dead in an hour.” The Darkling actually sounded angry. 

 

She wanted to raze the world just to bring Mal back, but Mal, according to the Darkling, had tried to take her away from medical care that saved her life. 

 

She pulled away from the Darkling and looked into his deep gray eyes, “You brought Ivan back from the dead.” 

 

“Ivan was never dead, he was close but not so close that the healers couldn’t save him and I may have aided in that process. People don’t come back to life after they’ve died.” 

 

She wanted to forget. She didn’t want to think about being the sun summoner or her shitty love life or even the fact that she felt a sliver better in his arms. She lets herself be held. Because she’s broken and this man is the only other person in the world who understands her bone-deep weariness. 

 

“You scared me in the church, Alina.” The Darkling said, his voice raw. “There were no healers and you were dying. I thought I was going to lose you.” 

 

“Maybe it would be better if I was with Mal.” 

 

The Darkling held her out as if he could not believe she would ever even entertain such a thought. 

 

“Don’t  _ ever _ say that. I forbid it.”  

 

“It’s true.” 

 

“You’re in shock Alina. You need some time.” 

 

“I don’t want time, I want to have my friends back.” 

 

The Darkling let me go, “I won’t let you destroy yourself for the sake of some treasonous grisha and an  _ otkazat’sya _ .” 

 

“Just get out.” She said shakily. 

 

He left and she went into her bedroom for a nap. 

 

*~*~*

 

Ivan was pacing outside the Grand Palace. He hated pacing. He also hated tobacco but he was smoking a clove cigarette to ease his nerves. Hopefully, the Darkling wouldn’t notice. 

 

Alina had taken ill thirty minutes ago. No one knew what had happened, only that one moment she’d been having tea in her room with the Darkling and the next she was on the ground, half dead. 

 

It was clearly an assassination attempt, and there were very few people who had access to Alina’s food. Ivan had laid waste to every single person who might’ve had contact with her food. The Darkling was in rough shape. 

 

“I really hope that’s not what I think it is,” a cool voice said from the pathway from the grand palace. 

 

He snubbed out the butt under his boot. “Of course it’s not.” 

 

The Darkling stepped out of the shadows and Ivan wondered how long he’d been watching. 

 

“How bad-“

 

“She’s ok. The healers got to her just in time.” 

 

Ivan looked at the Darkling, “So it was an assassination attempt?”

 

“Yes,” the Darkling’s voice was shaky and Ivan took another clove cigarette out of his pocket. 

 

“I know you want one.”

 

The Darkling gave a long-suffering sigh, “I despise tobacco. It smells terrible.” 

 

“Mmm, that’s not what you said in bed last night.”

 

The Darkling turned a faint shade of pink, “fine.”

 

Ivan lit the cigarette and gave it to the Darkling. The Darklings free hand slipped into Ivan’s hand. 

 

“She’s so powerful and I don’t know what I would do if I lost her,” the Darkling said around a mouthful of smoke. 

 

“You won’t lose her, however, we’re going to need to vet our kitchen staff better.” 

 

The Darkling simply stood in silence and smoked, holding Ivan’s hand. 

 

“Who do we suspect?” Ivan asked as the Darkling put out his butt. 

 

“Fjerda. They declared war just four weeks ago. West Ravka is also rebelling, they might have tried to eliminate her so we couldn’t expand the Fold. West Ravka is going to pay for their loyalty to the Lantsov line and I think they’re trying to get rid of Alina as a weapon.” 

 

Ivan squeezed the Darkling’s hand, “I’m going to look at some reports, our first engagement with Fjerdan troops is coming soon.” 

 

“I want you to come to me tonight,” the Darkling said softly. 

 

Ivan kissed the Darklings cheek, “of course.” 


	2. baby i've been waiting for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan incurs a personal tragedy. The Firebird is brought to Os Alta and The Darkling and Ivan break a bed ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to start moving in the direction of the plot now, I won't be doing a lot of the whole "why am i attracted to these two guys" thing because Ivan is a tender boi and the darkling is... the darkling? What is there not to like?

 

*~*~*~*

 

**CHAPTER 2**

 

*~*~*~*

 

It was late, and she was woken up out of a sound sleep. She felt weak and shaky and she wanted to see the Darkling, she wanted to know who’d poisoned her. 

 

She pulled on a dressing gown and began sneaking down the hallway. He was only two doors down from her. 

 

“Oh- Saints, harder!” A male voice moaned. 

 

_ What?  _ Was the Darkling with someone? Surely not… but then again… Genya had said that the Darkling had taken lovers before. 

 

Maybe that was just his way of allowing her space… yes… space was good. 

 

_ Thump. Thump. Thump.  _ That sounded like a bed that was about to break and then there was the harsh noise of flesh on flesh and she’d heard enough to make her ears burn for weeks. 

 

She couldn’t help but feel like she was being betrayed. Only  _ she _ was his equal, only  _ she _ would be with him for eternity. 

 

She shook her head and walked back to bed. 

 

*~*~*~* 

 

Breakfast was an interesting affair. She was sitting with Ivan and the Darkling. 

 

Ivan had a hickey that looked like a vacuum cleaner had attached to his neck. 

 

“I think it’s a little unprofessional to not cover up Ivan,” She grumbled as she bit into a piece of toast. 

 

He looked confused for a second and then deadpanned, “I wear my trophies well.” 

 

The Darkling coughed hard. 

 

She went about eating her breakfast and watched as the Darkling and Ivan discussed the war. She didn’t really want to hear it. 

 

A servant boy rushed up to our table and she wondered what could be so urgent. He spoke in an undertone and she couldn’t hear what he was saying. 

 

The Darkling nodded several times and Ivan had stopped eating, “You’re dismissed,” the Darkling said to the servant boy. 

 

“What happened? What’s going on?” She asked eagerly. 

 

“The Firebird has been spotted.” 

 

Suddenly she was reminded of the terribly bare feeling on her right wrist. The place where the Firebird’s bangle would go. She wanted it, no, she  _ needed _ it, “Are we going to get it?” 

 

“No, it’s coming to us.” 

 

She stood suddenly, knocking over her chair, “You’re going to drag that poor, ancient creature through the hills and mountains just to be  _ slaughtered _ ?” She was fuming. 

 

“Would it be better if you died at the hand of Fjerdan mercenaries on the way through the mountains?” The Darkling asked all hints of levity gone from his voice. 

 

“No,” she said glumly, she was still so weak from being poisoned. 

 

“Sit down Alina,” The Darkling said coolly. 

 

She fixed her chair and sat down. She had forgotten to take her hunger potion before she came to breakfast and everything tasted like dirt. 

 

“You should rest, I’ll send a healer to your room.” 

 

“When will the Firebird be here?” She asked with trepidation. 

 

The Darkling shook his head lightly, “We can talk later.” 

 

She turned and left, thinking she might have some time to be alone and think about what the third amplifier would mean for Ravka. 

 

She was granted a brief respite from the daunting future, she took a scaldingly hot bath and soaked until the water was tepid. 

 

She dressed in a fresh kefta and sat in front of the fire to dry her hair out. It was very early springtime and there was a chill that now even her roaring fire couldn’t melt away. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

That night Ivan called on her. 

 

He was a mess. His usually neat wavy brown hair was messy as if he’d been running his hands through it over and over again. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. What in the name of the Saints had happened? 

 

She pauses as she sees him in the doorway, she clears her throat and steps aside, letting him into her sitting room. 

 

“Why are you here Ivan?” Alina’s voice is hard. She doesn’t want him to think she’s going to be a shoulder to cry on. 

 

He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and took out a crumpled paper. 

 

She read it quickly, and she felt her heart rise into her throat. 

 

Ivan’s two brothers and his father were dead. A whole family, gone. They’d been posted in a border town in the north when there was a border scuffle. 

 

She averts her eyes from his painfully human emotion, emotion she knew all too well. 

 

“Alina,” he said, his voice broken and scratchy, “you have to end this conflict,  _ forever _ . There will only be more and more families wiped off the face of the planet if we don’t show Shu Han and Fjerda that we’re not a scrap to be fought over.  _ Let the Darkling expand the Fold _ .” 

 

“I’m sorry you lost your family Ivan,” she inhaled as if she was about to make a great plunge into deep water, “but I will die before I see the Fold expanded.” 

 

Ivan’s cheeks colored with anger, “you lost your parents to this war! You’ve lost everything from this conflict and you still don’t get it? Saints, I wish I could be like you.” 

 

Alina walked away from him and sat in one of the high back chairs. “I may have lost everything but I have my humanity. I have my dignity. I have so, so much more than what’s been taken from me.”

 

Ivan shook his head and stepped toward her, he was shaking, tremors making him seem like a leaf blowing in a storm, “I have lost  _ everything _ . Maybe you never knew your parents but I loved my family, and now I have three funerals to attend because you can’t understand how desperately Ravka needs you!” 

 

His voice was rising and she knew that the fine-tuned control Ivan had on his emotions was about to snap. 

 

“I’m so sorry, but  _ no _ .”

 

He turned and left, a swath of shadows following him. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

The Darkling has just gotten a very upset Ivan to sleep. It was late, almost too late to go see Alina but he needed to speak to her. He went to her door and saw the light was still on. 

 

He knocked and Alina answered wearing only a simple black nightgown. He cleared his throat and asked, “can I come in or are we going to discuss this in the hallway?” 

 

Alina opened the door and directed him to the small sitting room outside her bedroom. “What do you want?”

 

“We need to talk about the Fold.”

 

Alina made a noise of suffering. 

 

“Alina, do you know how many gifted grisha have lost their lives fighting in the border wars and how many more will be lost in the years to come?”

 

“There’s got to be another way. There’s diplomacy and-“

 

“No, there isn’t. Don’t you think I’ve been roped into trying to do things diplomatically? Do you know what the Fjerdans did?”

 

“No.” 

 

“We sent an envoy of high ranking grisha and several First Army generals to discuss a peace treaty. Everything went fine until it was time to have the Fjerdans sign a peace treaty. The morning it was supposed to be signed they took the grisha out to a field and burned them. They shot the First Army generals. Because they were ‘human’, the Fjerdans believed they deserved a clean death.” 

 

Alina’s eyes were wide when he finished speaking, but she didn’t say anything, so the Darkling continued, “this is the war I have to fight, that we both have to fight. You say you care about your people and that you don’t want people to die but expanding the Fold north and south will weaken our enemies and save any lives. Not that I particularly care, but maybe you should think of the helpless otkazat’sya that will perish due to your inaction.”

 

Alina’s eyes were glassy. It appeared he’d struck a chord with her. He went to her, knelt at her feet and kissed her hand, “it is time to become who you were meant to be, you’ve been a lizard too long, it’s time to be a hawk.” 

 

She choked on a sob, he could feel her need for the third amplifier coursing through their bond. He also saw the anger and heat in her eyes for those filthy otkazat’sya. It was ridiculous but if that’s what it took to make her realize this would end the war then so be it. 

 

“I’ll take it under consideration,” Alina said, her bottom lip wobbled slightly with unreleased sorrow. 

 

The Darkling stood and made to leave but he heard Alina’s bare feet on the hardwood floor coming after him, “could you give Ivan my condolences?”

 

”I think you should convey that yourself.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

Three days passed and at lunch, the Darkling announced to their little table that the Firebird would be there tonight. Ivan was so tired, he’d kept up with his duties, it wouldn’t do to sit around and mope. But he was hurting and he was afraid that his carefully crafted mask of indifference was destroyed. 

 

Ivan ate and drank tea but everything tasted like sand. He really needed to do some sparring but… the other corporalki weren’t particularly fond of him. He’d once been friends with Zoya but that was ages ago. They thought he was too powerful, both with his hand to hand combat skills and his amplified heartrending gifts. 

 

If only they knew the extent of his power now. 

 

Ivan left lunch early, hoping to catch up on some paperwork but he heard footsteps coming after him, the footsteps of a woman. 

 

“Alina, if you’re here to enforce the fact that you’re unwilling to save Ravka you can stick it-“ 

 

“Actually I’m here to apologize and give you my condolences.” She said impatiently 

 

“Oh?” 

 

“Yes, I guess I wasn’t thinking that you have lost people too.” 

 

“Mmm…” Ivan said noncommittally this did not sound like an apology. 

 

“I’m getting the Firebird tonight, so we’ll see what happens from there. I’m really sorry you lost your family. I might not be able to remember my parents but I know the hole that losing people leaves in your life.” 

 

Ivan nodded, “thanks.” 

 

He walked away and went to his office to bury himself in war planning.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Ivan had smoked far more than usually ever would. He felt disgusting. He hated it so much. He was on his second clove cigarette in a row when the Darkling came down the path to the grisha pavilions. He didn’t bother hiding it. 

 

The Darkling wrapped an arm around Ivan’s muscles waist and kissed him lightly. “I have a plan.” 

 

Ivan rolled his eyes, “What are we doing now?”

 

“You’re going to kill the Firebird and place it on Alina.” 

 

Ivan was silent. 

 

“It stands to reason that if I give it to her, she will have an even stronger grip on my powers and I cannot have that. Your amplifier was replaced by merzost, and it stands to reason that you are now, in an ideal position to give Alina the Firebird.”

 

“But can’t she take it for herself?”

 

“She cannot summon and I doubt she has the physical strength to deal with bringing down an ancient creature as powerful as the Firebird.” 

 

“Have you run this by her?”

 

The Darkling had the sense to look a little unsure. 

 

“I’ll take that as a no.” 

 

“She won’t agree to it if we tell her beforehand.” 

 

“Well, she might also kill us if we don’t tell her.” 

 

The Darkling heaved an _‘I’ve been suffering for five centuries and it’s not about to get any better’_ sigh. “I’ll tell her.”

 

*~*~*~*

 

Alina had just had an exorbitantly long conversation with the Darkling about the Firebird. 

 

She knew she would be giving away part of her power to Ivan but the Darkling had promised that he would not use it unless there were ‘dire circumstances’. 

 

She trusted them both as far as she could throw them. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

Ivan cuts through the firebirds neck with a broadsword. There’s blood everywhere and he can’t help but think how much easier (and cleaner) this would be if he could’ve used his power on this creature. 

 

The firebirds feathers are gathered by a Fabrikator and within moments Ivan has a bracelet made of the feathers of the Firebird. 

 

The Darkling is waiting for him in Alina’s room, and Ivan doesn’t bother knocking. They’re waiting for him. 

 

“Ivan just get it over with and stop looking at me like that.” Alina snaps. 

 

Ivan slides the bracelet over her wrist and… she begins to glow. 

 

The light is pouring out of her in great waves, and she feels her head coming into focus, her power charging through her veins and making her whole again. 

 

Ivan and the Darkling look slightly concerned but Alina is laughing, and it feels like an eternity since she’s been happy. This power is like a drug and she’s hopelessly addicted. 

 

She lets go of the light and the glow fades into a dull pulsing golden light. 

 

She wants to do so many things right now. She feels so powerful maybe she should just kill him now. 

 

Her hands are curving into the cold light of the cut, she’s so, so high on her power, it would’ve been easy for her to destroy them both and cut her losses. One of them takes hold of her power and diffuses the cut though. 

 

“No,  _ no _ , which one of you just  _ stole my power _ ?” She’s shaking she’s so furious. This her destiny, her  _ duty _ . The glow around her is returning and she knows she should be careful, that this new level of power is dangerous. 

 

Ivan steps forward and he can feel her power seeping into his veins.  _ He has never felt so light _ , “I did,” and he reaches through space and time, which shouldn’t be that difficult since she’s about three feet from him, and dims her light only slightly so she’s not cooking them in her small bedroom. 

 

She goes to slap him but he catches her wrist and pulls her close, “I’m not about to let you destroy the only other person who will endure eternity for you.” He says, her body pressed flush to his. She thinks momentarily that he could’ve been beautiful if he wasn’t such an absolute monster. 

 

“Get out,” she fumes quietly and then explodes, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” She takes an empty teacup and hurls it at Ivan’s head. He ducks it and makes a quick exit. 

 

The Darkling isn’t so fast to turn his back. 

 

“I told you once that I’d seen who you really were, and I that I would never turn away,” he heaves a heavy sigh, “I meant it.” 

 

She’s about to pick up another cup and throw it, but he’s too agile to hit. He takes a step toward her and she doesn’t want to be touched - doesn't want to be touched - but then he’s touching her and she cannot help but to collapse against his chest. 

 

She’s shaking and crying because this is completely unfair, how  _ dare _ he give her the power of three amplifiers only to make it so half her power belonged to despicable heartrender.

 

“I hate Ivan, I hate him so much and I hate you for giving my power to him.” 

 

The Darkling holds her close and brushes the hair out of her face, “I do not think Ivan hates you and you have half his power now too.” 

 

“ _ What?” _

 

“Of course, you can toy with shadows can’t you?” 

 

Her face, already flushed with anger goes crimson, “You’re not supposed to know that.” 

 

“Well, I do.” 

 

“I don’t want to live like this, always being afraid one of you is going to use my power against my will.” 

 

“Why have I never thought you’d reach across the tether and use my powers?” 

 

“Because I’m not that kind of person!” She says indignantly. 

 

“Alina, just because Ivan has the capability to do something does not mean he will.” 

 

She shudders at the thought. 

 

The Darkling smiled against her hair and she sighed, “You’ll feel better in the morning, and we can start getting you used to that final amplifier.” 

 

“Ok.” 

 

He went to leave, and she felt a longing course through her like lightning down a tree. She had never felt so strangely in her whole life. 

 

*~*~* 

 

The sounds of a bed actually breaking with significant force brought her out of a sound sleep. She put her slippers on and rushed to where she heard the sound come from. But then.. 

 

There was laughter. 

 

The laughter of two lovers that had just fucked so hard that they had broken a well-made bed. 

 

And unless this was some kind of cruel joke, at least one of those voices was the Darklings. 

 

*~*~* 

 

She was getting ready for the day and had decided to put on a little makeup and try to look nice, she could summon again and she was feeling much more like herself. 

 

She was planning on going to the war room for a meeting but… she wanted to see Ivan. She needed to know the extent of his powers. Both regarding what she had given him last night and what the Darkling had given him. 

 

Ivan knocked on her door and she opened the door. 

 

She had to do a double take, Ivan was shaking with dry sobs. God, she wanted to be cruel to him, she wanted to cling to cruelty like a lover, but this broken boy was hurting her heart. 

 

“They’re not letting me go to their funerals, my siblings and my father.” 

 

“Well, certainly we could speak to the Darkling....” Alina said slowly. 

 

“No, no, it’s West Ravka. They’re not letting anyone cross the Fold. They’ll shoot any grisha on sight.” 

 

“ _ Any grisha _ ?”

 

“Well except you…” 

 

Alina shook her head, “We both have to be in the War Room in fifteen minutes, go clean up and we’ll talk later today.”

 

Why was Ivan being so vulnerable with her? Why did he care? Did he have no one else? She wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer to that. 

 

Alina escaped and let Ivan have a moment to himself. She would have to talk to him about his powers later. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

The War Room meeting was boring to the point of being painful. 

 

There were some foreign ambassadors and several priests who were taking the place of the Apparat. 

 

“She looks weak, does she have  _ any _ power?” The Kerch ambassador asked. 

 

Alina reached for her power and even though she only meant to shine a ray of sun on the man’s face… she opened the gate to her power and it came flooding out of her in great waves, waves too large to control. 

 

She couldn’t stop it, the man was turning red, his skin blistering and then… and then… her light was cut off.

 

She tried not to scream, she really did. She’d almost killed a man and one of the two other grisha in the room had cut off her power like turning off a faucet. 

 

The other Ambassadors were quickly dismissed, and the priests were snarled at with their prayers for Sankta Alina’s soul. God, how could she? She’d not been so out of touch with her power in at least six months. 

 

She rounded on the Darkling and Ivan, “Which one of you did that?” 

 

She was pointing an accusatory finger at Ivan but the Darkling stepped forward, “I did because incinerating an Ambassador is not what we want.” 

 

“I was fine! I had it under control!” She spits venomously at the two men. 

 

“Oh, yes, you  _ definitely _ had it under control,” Ivan snorted. 

 

She’s saying the words so fast they blur together and she wished she could stop herself, “AllIcouldthinkaboutwaswhoeverwasfuckingtheDarklinglastnight.”

 

Ivan goes pale. 

 

The Darkling stepped forward and took her hand, “I thought I heard someone sneaking around.”

 

“Who. Was. It.” 

 

“You’re jealous,” Ivan said slowly.

 

“ _ No _ !” Alina said a little too quickly. 

 

The Darkling’s smirk made her want to punch him. 

 

“Ivan, maybe you should explain?” 

 

“Oh  _ no _ , I’m letting you handle this one.” 

 

There had always been an easy comradery between the two men, she’d just thought of it as two power-hungry men enjoying their status and finally having someone to see eye to eye with. Ivan was his best lieutenant...

 

“I was the one you heard,” Ivan said slowly, his cheeks suddenly a little pink. 

 

Her face slackened and she stepped back from both of them, “You’re… together?” 

 

The Darkling had rested his head on his hand, he looked completely unlike the man she knew. “Ivan and I have been together for several years.” 

 

“And you… you never thought it would be a good idea to tell me this?” Alina stammered. 

 

“We thought when the time was right we’d tell you,” Ivan said. 

 

“So… I’m… not…  your little sun?” Alina said. 

 

The Darkling and Ivan both huffed, nearly at the same time, “No, we’d like you to be  _ our little sun _ .” 

 

“But I hate Ivan! How could you do this to me?” Alina breathed. 

 

“Do you really hate me,  _ solnishka _ ?” Ivan said with tenderness she did not understand, “You basically offered to go to my family’s funeral this morning.” 

 

Alina flushed, he wasn’t supposed to know that. 

 

“And it’s not like anyone with eyes couldn’t see how you moon over the Darkling,” Ivan drawled. 

 

“Ivan I’m going to need you to shut your mouth.” She snapped.

 

“Or what?” Ivan asked. 

 

The Darkling was paying rapt attention to their little volley and she looked to him to shut up the heartrender.

 

“You’re both welcome in my life,” was all he said. 

 

Ivan smirked at her, “Darling… come here.” 

 

It felt like she was magnetically attracted to him she started toward him and before she knew it she was in his arms and she was looking at his lips longingly, all of the tenderness he’d showed her, there was a genuine reason for it. It wasn’t part of a grander scheme, they just… liked her. She lets their lips touch and she thought that kissing Ivan would be… boring. But it was far from it, his hands tangled in her hair and she wrapped her arms around his neck. His kisses were making her skin flush with pleasure, and when he broke the kiss, she wished they could keep going. 

 

Ivan fixed her with a wicked smirk and he looked like he was about to say something dumb. 

 

“Shut up… both of you.” 

 

“This… this is way too confusing.” Alina realized she was glowing again. 

 

“You need to reign in your emotions, Alina,” the Darkling said. 

 

“Just because I actually have emotions compared to you two idiots-“

 

“Alright, we’re discussing this later, before our Sun Summoner scorches us both,” the Darkling demanded. 

 

“Dinner?” Ivan suggested. 

 

The Darkling nodded and he said, “One of us will come to get you tonight.”

 

Alina harrumphed and stalked from the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos/whatever is cool!


	3. A lesson in Heartrending

*~*~*~*

 

**Chapter 3**

 

*~*~*~*

  
  


Alina had been left alone for the rest of the day, and she didn't realize how bored she could get by not having them around. She had received a small missive requesting that she wear their colors tonight, so she took special care picking out her outfit. 

 

She jumped a little when she heard a soft knock on her door and she hurried to open it. Standing outside was Ivan, impeccably dressed and with a flourish, he offered his arm and escorted her to dinner. 

 

When they arrived, she saw the Darkling was already there and said, “Good evening _ ,  _ Ivan and my darling sankta. _ ”  _

 

Ivan pulled out her chair and she sat gently, she was wearing an evening gown of some kind of fabrikator craft and it showed off everything that she’d never thought to show off. 

 

When she met Ivan’s eye, she blushed, remembering earlier today, his lips on hers and her willingness to have them there.

 

The food was all laid out, and Alina was very hungry. She had not eaten all day, and she was starting to regret it. 

 

“We need to talk.” She announced.

 

They both looked toward her and the Darkling nodded and replied, “We do.”

 

“I cannot just sit around here like I did today. I need something to do. I am the Sun Summoner after all, you said I was your equal. I want a seat at the table with Ivan.” Alina looked the Darkling steadily in the eye and his lips turned upward into a pleased smirk. 

 

“What is so funny?” She bit out, she was glowing again and she was getting to be more of a hazard than an asset.

 

“Your hunger for power amuses me, Alina.” 

 

To her surprise, she felt a light hand on hers, her head slowly turned and her brown eyes met Ivan’s hazel ones, Alina felt some of the fight go out of her. 

 

“Calm down,” Ivan whispered in her ear making her break out in shivers, “I am sure he did not mean to mock you, he was proud of you, or at least I was.” Alina had never thought to make them proud. She knew there was a physical attraction between them but… what else? It unsettled her how he was so easily able to calm her down, especially because of whatever was going on between them.

 

“He is correct _ , dorogaya.  _ I am proud of you for making such demands. And you’re right, you cannot just sit around all day. I think, before anything else, we need to get you to control your powers, as we do not want a repeat of earlier today.” 

 

Alina cast her eyes downward, and she felt bad once again, “I never meant for that to happen!” 

 

A soothing voice cut in. “Yes, we know that, but he is right. We should get control of them before you turn someone into ash, which would be very hard to clean up.” Ivan’s mouth quirked up, and Alina shot him a glare, but couldn’t hold it for long as his hand smoothed down her thigh. She felt warmth climb up her cheeks and his strong hand on her thigh felt so good, she couldn’t bring herself to brush him away. 

 

“And after, what will I do then?” She hated being eager, but Alina knew she could do more than just working on her powers. 

 

The Darkling shared a meaningful look with Ivan and returned his attention to Alina. “You and Ivan will become queen and king regent. You will rule with my guidance.” 

 

“I-I, really?” She felt shock trickle down her nerves and she would have started to shake, but The Darkling was next to her suddenly, holding her hands. “ _ Solnishka.”  _ Alina looked at him slowly, meeting his gray eyes. 

 

“I would not give you this title and these duties, if I did not think you could do them, and do them well. I have complete faith in you.” 

 

Alina mulled over it for a moment and felt something light and warm and  _ right _ come over her. 

 

She looked at both Ivan and The Darkling and nodded her head. “I agree to be Queen.” 

 

Another thought entered her head. She cleared her throat and broached a subject that was sure to make her blush. 

 

“What about us? As in our...relationship?”  

 

Ivan started passing dishes around, clearly sick of talking and not eating. 

 

Mashed potatoes, asparagus, summer squash, and Chicken Kiev. 

 

She hadn’t eaten this well for close to a year. 

 

“Ivan has requested… ah… the pleasure of your company tonight.” 

 

“I’m  _ not _ having sex with Ivan!” She proclaimed. 

 

Ivan sighed, “Would it really be that bad? I’m sure your  _ tracker  _ was nothing remarkable.” 

 

“He-he never…we never got the chance...”

 

Ivan and the Darkling shared another look, “You’re…”

 

“Yes, a virgin.” 

 

They continued eating in silence. When dinner was over Alina brushed off Ivan’s hand on her shoulder and went to explore the grand palace, which was now her home. 

 

*~*~*

 

When Alina returned to her room that night she realized there a small envelope laying on her bed. It was completely nondescript. She took a letter opener and sliced the letter open, and realized it had the blue and gold double eagle on it…

 

Her fingers began trembling as she read. 

 

_ My Dearest Alina,  _

 

_ It has come to my attention that you have been captured. For this I am truly sorry, and I wish that I could’ve done this in any other way. I’m sure you haven’t been told yet, but Genya and Zoya both made it out of the church alive. Genya, as we both know, is quite a skillful poisoner and I have given her the chance to earn her keep.  _

 

_ I sent her to Os Alta to end your life.  _

 

_ It has come to my attention that you’ve taken the Darkling to your bed and I cannot help but wonder if he has exerted some kind of force over your will.  _

 

_ I will not let you suffer.  _

 

_ I will not let Ravka die because of his abominable power.  _

 

_ If the real Alina still has any contact with reality then hopefully she’ll burn this letter.  _

 

_ Love,  _

 

_ Sturmhond _

 

She realized belatedly that she’d walked to Ivan’s chambers with Nikolai’s letter in her hand. She refused to burn the letter. 

 

She knocked softly on Ivan’s door and he cracked the door open, “What’s wrong?”

 

She shoved the door open and realized he was only in boxers. It dawned on her that it was pretty late and he was probably trying to sleep. 

 

Alina had no idea what to even say, “It’s Nikolai… he wants me dead.” 

 

“It’s not a surprise.” Ivan deadpanned. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You’re the Darkling’s equal. You’ve got power that no otkazat’sya could ever have,” he tucked a stray strand of white hair behind her ear, “all three of us do.”

 

“ _ That’s not a good enough reason for him to kill me!” _ Alina raged. 

 

“Why don’t you… come in it’s late and I don’t want the oprichniki to hear you shouting.” 

 

She huffed and walked into his room, it was… immaculate. His bed was perfectly made, there wasn’t even one thing out of place. She realized belatedly that she was still wearing her evening gown.

 

Alina sat down on his comfortable bed, and wondered how many times he and the Darkling had fucked right where she was sitting… the thought brought a curious warmth to her cheeks. She handed the letter to Ivan and he read it quickly.

 

“He’s acting like we’ve got you under some spell and not even I knew Genya was alive until the night you were poisoned. And this! The part where he basically says we’re taking you against your will… well he’ll pay for that.” He placed a hand on her knee, “are you ok?”

 

“Ivan?” 

 

“Yes?” He looked her in the eye and she met his hazel gaze. 

 

“I want to commit the crimes that I’m going to be murdered for.” 

 

“You’re not going to die,” Ivan sighed and gathered her in his arms. 

 

“I don’t want to die a virgin,” she paused and inhaled deeply, “I want to… tonight.” 

 

“I don’t want to rush you.” He said tenderly, and she was taken aback by the fact that she thought he meant it. 

 

“I’m ready.”

 

She nodded then she stood up and bared her back to him, and allowed him to unzip the delicate fabric of her dress. She let the material pool on the floor and stepped out of it. 

 

She wanted him to touch her, to set her body alight. And he did. 

 

Ivan was an insanely good kisser, she could only compare it to the Darkling and Mal. The Darkling was rougher with her (no doubt used to experienced lovers),  which she loved but Ivan’s touch was… perfect. Mal had been simply sloppy and… wet. 

 

Ivan would be perfect for her first time. 

 

Which was why when she felt his clothed hardness against her she couldn’t help but whimper. 

 

Ivan broke their kiss and brought her hand between his legs, “I can hear your heart.” 

 

“Then you’ll know how badly I want this.”

 

“Saints Alina, you’re beautiful,” he whispered in her ear, and then her underclothes were on the floor. 

 

He toyed with her breasts, swirling his tongue around her nipple until she begged for him. 

 

“I need more, I need so much more,” she said softly to him. 

 

He slid off her and got a small packet out his nightstand and put it in her hand, “For when I give you everything.” 

 

She let a little whine escape her lips, her eyes met his as he lowered his mouth to her core.  _ He was going to touch her there. _

 

She bites her lip until it bleeds as he slips a finger into her and she cannot help feeling like she is close to the Saints. 

 

“Ivan, oh… Ivan,” Alina moans and he pumps his finger in and out of her, her legs start to shake, and his tongue is just where she wants it to be.

 

“It’s ok, love,” his voice is a lovers embrace and she cannot believe it but she’s coming apart, the world tilting off its axis as she shudders and shakes beneath him. 

 

She comes to and he’s there, holding her, “Do you want to keep going?” He asks, always so concerned about her. 

 

“Of course, I want it to be  _ you _ .” 

 

Ivan looks at her and kisses her, an open mouthed kiss that’s going to get them both in over their heads, and hearts. 

 

Ivan takes the condom from where she’s left it, next to her head, and rips open the packet. Her hand gently stops him, “No, I want to feel  _ everything _ .” 

 

“Love, I know you do but… I don’t think you want to get pregnant.” 

 

“I know it will be expected of me.” 

 

Ivan couldn’t deny that it would be, and he was already twenty-two, most grisha had their children around his age. 

 

He nods and tosses the condom to the other side of the bed, “You would do that?” 

 

She nodded and guided him into her, they both gasped, she realized that this was going to be slightly uncomfortable. 

 

“Alina, are you alright?” 

 

She wrapped her hands around his hips and pushed him deeper and he reached between them, and rubbed slow circles on her clit. 

 

“Deeper…  _ Ivan _ .” 

 

He pushed all the way into her and he began rocking his hips slowly, gently in and out of her. His tenderness was not lost on her. 

 

“You said you were going to give me everything.” 

 

Ivan picked up the pace and began making love to her in earnest. She was so tight and wet and he was so big that it didn’t take long for them to arrive at their final destination. 

 

Ivan’s movements got unsteadier, and rougher and she could feel herself coming to the brink. He gave her clit several faster circles and she was flying and falling. Her muscles clenched around him and he felt his climax crest over him. 

 

He spilled into her and she couldn’t help but think it was the most glorious feeling she’d ever felt.  He fucked her slowly though both their orgasms and when he finally pulled out she made a short, unhappy noise. They were both breathing hard and he rolled over and held her close, his cheek curled into the soft spot between her shoulder and neck. They fell asleep like that and Alina woke up the next morning, sticky and sore, but feeling more alive than she had in months.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Breakfast is a subdued affair. The Darkling looks between both of us, and seems to know exactly what happened, “He’s quite a tender lover isn’t he?” The Darkling asks her and she stops eating. 

 

“I understand why you have both been together for so long,” Alina replied. 

 

The Darkling looks amused, Saints, that insufferable smirk is playing on his lips again. 

 

“I want to give you something,” the Darklings voice was unsure and she thought this must be costing him… this show of unbridled emotion. “I want you to know my name. The name I was given, not the title I took for myself. Will you have it?”

  
"Yes, of course.” 

  
"Aleksander.”

 

“ _ Aleksander. _ ” Alina couldn’t help herself knowing his true name was like tasting the sweetest candy. 

 

He shuddered almost imperceptibly, his name was part of his soul and she could tell how much it meant to him.

 

The Darkling returned to breakfast and when they finished they headed out to the grisha pavilions. 

 

“Let us show you how we work together,” Ivan said. 

 

The Darkling summoned a wall of nichevo’ya the bite mark on her shoulder itched and she had to fight the feeling of horror she felt nearly overcome by. Ivan clenched his fist and the nichevo’ya faltered and then winked out of existence. 

 

Alina looked at him, a little surprised. He smirked and it looked very much like he was trying to impress her. 

 

"As you know, I received some of the Darkling’s merzost so I can control them."

 

He eyed her and she felt the heat rise to her cheeks, memories of last night rising up. She refocused her mind and gave him a defiant look. A smirk was pulling at the corners of the Darkling’s lips. 

 

She met his glaze with a challenge in her eyes, and she told herself that she was much more confident than she felt. That she would be Queen Regnant and she was the Sun Summoner. That look that inspired fondness and butterflies in Alina's stomach when she used to hate him. 

 

"Well,  _ solnishka,  _ let's see what you can do." The Darkling said this, oddly with a layer of amusement and one of curiosity. She looked at the both of them, and shook her head quickly.

 

"I don't think I should, I almost died the last time. Besides, would they even respond to me?" But the reason why she didn't want to summon them, was that Alina was terrified of the allure of his dark power. 

 

Ivan frowned and stepped forward kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand. 

 

"Aren't we like all things?” The Darkling said, “Of course, they will respond to you. Remember the power you demonstrated in the church? That power lives in you now." The Darkling’s voice was a balm on her nerves. She was surprised he was speaking about the church, he’d been so… upset? About it earlier. 

 

She had used that power and almost killed them both, but she thought she could try, and if something happened...well Ivan was corporalki and hopefully he would know what to do. 

 

Alina reached for that darkness though space and time to the tether that connected her and the Darkling. She felt the force of the merzost, it was dark and cold, but pressed forward and willed them into existence. They did so, and she was so surprised that she almost let her control on them go. She was still fighting against the horror but managed to bring it under control enough to focus. 

 

Over the next ten minutes or so, she practiced moving the nichevo’ya and bending them to her will. After that Ivan wanted her to work on her Heartrender abilities which was a frightening concept. 

 

"I don’t want to hurt you and that was difficult enough, I feel so tired,” Alina said. 

 

Ivan clicked his tongue and shook his head. 

 

"My love, when you are Queen, you will be busier than this. We are doing this to build up your stamina." 

 

She rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh. It had been months and months since she’d properly summoned. No wonder she was so tired. 

 

"Okay. What do I have to do?" 

 

"Try to break a bone in my body. A small one please,” Ivan said. She gasped and shook her head. 

 

The Darkling stepped closer to her and whispered softly, "Ivan is of the belief that he can deflect heartrenders power, this will be especially helpful since the  _ otkazat’sya _ prince has two extremely powerful heartrenders.” 

 

She nodded her head shakily. Alina then felt across and focused her attention and breathed deeply. The trick must’ve been that Ivan didn’t feel other people’s emotions as deeply as she did. She suddenly realized Ivan was nervous, and gently tried to shape her power into something sharp. She lashed out and sure enough, Ivan was quicker and deflected the blow with a wisp of light. 

 

Alina knew she should have a sinking feeling, but she felt  _ good.  _ She knew it was from using her grisha powers, strengthening her. She cast a warm glow around her, and it seemed a little easier than it had been before. Which was good, because she did not like hurting them. 

 

She faced the Darkling, aching to ask how she did, but the stubbornness and pride dictated that she did not need his approval, even though she wanted to ask. 

 

Ivan stepped in front of her and nodded once. “I think that is enough today.” He cast his eyes to the ground. “I must go for awhile, but I will be back. You are free to roam the palace, wherever and however you desire.” A swift kiss on her forehead and he was gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos keep me alive


	4. Author's note

Hey guys! I'm so, so sorry this story hasn't been updated in a long while. The story has switched owners and I'm trying to decide which way I wanna take the story. I will try to have a new chapter up and running within a week. Thanks so much!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


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